No Tomorrow

No Tomorrow
When I first wake up I always lay there in the quiet for awhile.  I just lay still and listen.  It’s usually in those moments that I have conversations with God.

Usually it starts with a question in my mind… or revisiting an event.  This will generally turn into somewhat of a dialog with my father.  Sometimes we go back and forth.  Sometimes I just let things roll through… trying to seal wisdom in my mind.

Other times, He allows me to see exactly where I messed it up…the exact places that I started trying to fix things myself and took my eyes off of him.  Those verses sealed in my heart (even if I can’t remember exactly what book or chapter) come flooding back.

It’s amazing to me how I can hear a verse referenced to a million times and think I know and understand it, and then in those conversations it will be revealed in such a way that shakes me to a new understanding… A new level of wisdom.

The peace that accompanies such encounters change a soul.  The change is not just for the moment or the day, but for a lifetime.
This morning I told God… Through quiet tears, “Father I am weary and I’m worn.  My husband is as well.  I feel like my family is starting to be a little tattered around the edges and I need your help.  We need spiritual rest.”

The picture of a smooth black top road popped into my head.  I continued speaking to him, “For awhile it seemed that even though we still had some trials it was not like it has been in the last few years.  Somehow we’ve veered off the path into some rocky dirt road, I want badly to be lead back to the quiet peace of the main road.” At that moment I was picturing trees lining a dirt road.  The next moment I was standing in the forest remembering a time when my brother and I used to try to get lost on purpose to see if we could use tree markers to make it back to the house.  There were a few times for a few moments I would be a little scared because I thought we had walked far enough or separated from each other long enough to be lost.  Only a few moments and steps would go by before I would hear my brother calling or I would recognize a tree.  I can still hear the crunching branches and leaves of those moments in my mind.  I can still remember watching my feet and where I was stepping so not to get entangled on briars or end up in a deep hole of a fallen tree.  It was in that moment of remembering that I felt God lead me to a familiar scripture.  He spoke new things to me in it… I felt he also reminded me that no matter where I am that if I take my eyes off my feet and start watching the sun it will always show me where am at and where to go.

Sometimes we are so focused on fixing and planning.  We try to problem solve our way out of one day into the next year.  We become so overwhelmed we forget the simplest of wisdom.  -Just deal with today, tomorrow has its own worries-.  Focus on HIM and he will show you the way with out you ever having to deal with briars, or holes left by fallen trees.

Yes, Lord.  Today is ALL that is in front of me. No Tomorrow.

A Memory (April 14,2011)

Today is a month since you ran into Gods kingdom. How has the time blown by so quickly? Its been like that as all you kids have grown up. I remember the day God loaned you to us. Holding you with all that red hair thinking, where did all that come from? lol Then all of a sudden your a little shy of 2 years old siting in dad and I’s lap, with your big chunky cheeks holding our faces with your little hands just looking at us and giggling. In a flash your 12 with your big person uniform on, playing ball like it was your destiny. I remember thinking, how are these girls so big already?

I blink my eyes and you are standing next to your truck, rolling your eyes and laughing as dad and I go through the whole thing…”put your seat belt on, pay attention to everyone else because they are not paying attention to you. Don’t turn the music up too loud, don’t be on your phone while your driving…. blah blah” You say ok, I’m gonna be late for school! As you get in, your dad has to tell you just a few more things to make you safe… Ok dad, ok dad, you say.

What feels like moments later we are watching as you walk across the stage to accept your diploma.

Somehow we blink again and are standing in your dorm room, trying to find a reason to stay, when you practically push us out, saying “I got everything, thanks see you guys tomorrow”… Lol. I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad. I mean after all you said you were never leaving home… even going as far to say that when you got married your family would live with us… lol.

Then March 14th. I prayed, hollered at God, telling him I had faith that he would heal you. That I knew you weren’t finished bringing people to God. I challenged him. Told him to show me. Although in my human mind I was expecting a different kind of healing and Your “mission” work to be done in a different kind of way.

I realize now, that God is so much bigger than our pea brains can comprehend.

In your death, through God, you are still reaching people for his kingdom Shell. Its unbelievable.

I’m fiercely proud of you. Your sisters, Noah, dad and I all miss you, but are so glad you gave us so many memory’s to laugh about. I love you